My Journey Through Grief

My Journey Through Grief

My amazingly wonderful husband died suddenly on November 10, 2014. That very night I began to journal my heart break, knowing that even in this, God had lessons for me to learn. As I look back, those lessons are evident and over all I see how much I have grown as a believer and follower of Christ.  I will continue to add pages from my first two years as time permits....My prayer is that through my grief there will be a grain of hope and encouragement that you can apply to your life as well.

On the cover of my journal is this scripture: Be still and know that I am God.....Psalm 46:10
Inside the cover I have written this poem:
Grieve not for me, not weep, beside my empty chair;
For if you could know my portion here,
You would not...you could not wish me there..
and this:
YOUR WINGS WERE READY, BUT MY HEART WAS NOT

 

I pray you will read each page here, but if you would like to see where God had me after the first year, just click HERE
Year Two of my Journey Thorugh Grief is a reflection of spiritual growth and emotional loss, The realiy sets in....
Come join my on this journey HERE
Monday - November 10th 2014
It began just like every day..James and I each having our "alone time with God"; then with our cups of coffee we sat together on our front porch and planned our day.  While he exercised I took our dogs for a walk. I had just taken a picture of some buck tracks to show to James when he came to join me.  We walked to the pond and then back to the house.
James then took the tractor to do some dirt work, then we did some other outside work together.
About 2pm he said he was going to take the Kubota and mow around the pond.
With a kiss, a hug and an "I love you", he got the mower key and went out the door. Those were the last words ever spoken between us...then while at the  kitchen sink, I looked up and saw my husband alive for the very last time...he was heading to the pond to mow....

About 4:30 LeAnn came to the house and told me to stop whatever I was doing and to come with her. "911 has been called"..."ambulance on the way"...."Steven doing CPR"..."Unresponsive".....  It was James..
When Steven got home from work he saw James face down on the ground...
The rest of the day is a blur...this was not my family....it is someone else's.
The ride to the hospital
Friends from church
Phone Calls
The nurse,
The Doctor,
"I'm sorry Mrs. Tatum, we could not revive your husband."
I wanted to scream at him "YOU ARE WRONG"!

Tears, hugs, disbelief.... The suddenness of it all... Questions with no answers.
I'm trapped in some kind of a time warp...

MaKayla and Hannah asleep on the couch; LeAnn curled up on her daddy's orange chair..my bed empty of the one with whom I just woke up with this morning...35 years of waking up together, now his place is empty.

Please God...wake me up!
 
Tuesday  -  November 11th
Family is here
I am numb - instructions from those who love me..
Decisions to be made...
Papers sign...
Food everywhere...

Someone needs to be comforted... I reach out to the one I hear crying, the one who's heart is broken beyond repair, the one who's life will never be the same...
But...when I reach out, I find that person is me.....

Wednesday  -  November 12th
Another blurry day...numbness and reality has set in....it makes no sense to me at all. My husband...my James, is not here...where is he?
I remember now, he is with the One for whom he has longed for, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
How can I be so selfish as to want him back...but I do. I miss him...how am I going to go on alone?

Family..friends...more food...
Flowers...casket...decisions...
What would I do without Jo? She has handled every detail...she has prayed...she has kept me together.

Today, I am helpless and broken....

Thursday  -  November 13th
I am thankful that I am given the time and space to be alone in my room. The house if full of family and friends.
More food...more words of sympathy...
My children's hearts are broken; they have lost their daddy; I have lost my husband...for my forever love..
But just three days ago, my forever with James ended... He isn't mine anymore...He belongs to God...

Tonight...visitation....my husband, handsome in his blue shirt and favorite tie, lying asleep among us..
People everywhere...hugs, condolences...memories shared...and tears...lots of tears....
Who am I now?
When will I wake up?

Friday - November 13th 2014
Today we celebrate the life of a man who loved and served God. At times it was an uphill battle dotted with very few mountain tops and a lot of deep valleys. But my husband always persevered...always forgave and always loved...

Our church has lost their pastor...
Our children have lost their daddy...
Our grands their Papa...and for me....
My husband...companion and soul mate...

"Honey you would be so happy to see this little church filled to capacity...so many friends and family coming together because of the way you lived your life...because of the profound impact you had on each of their lives...."

The service was beautiful...
Robert Mahan spoke about the impact you had on his life; Steven read a statement from LeAnn, and then he spoke from his own heart about you.. and then....then our MaKayla stood before a houseful and spoke about you...your legacy and then her challenge to everyone to 'live by your example.' "

Our last 'good-byes' to the body that housed your spirit for 64 years...
The drive to Bascom....lunch at Friendly....home...
the rest of the day a blur...

Saturday & Sunday  -  November 15th & 16th
The days are now filled with "see ya next times" as family depart to their homes...
Rick's, Jeff's, Kristin's, my sister Sandy, Art, Jo....
Me, alone with my thoughts....trying to take it all in but none of it making any sense at all...
 
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